Mi Hamba Blog

We all do it…we talk to ourselves. Some out loud, many more quietly in our own minds. There’s the monkey-chatter that goes on in our minds and then there’s the conscious conversations that feel like our “other” self talking to us. It’s that “talk” that I want to talk about here.

What do you say when you talk to yourself? How do you say it? What tone do you use? Are you kind and supportive, or condescending and demeaning? Do you encourage yourself to be the best you can be, or tell yourself why you shouldn’t even bother trying?

Our conversations (self-talk) with ourselves, has everything to do with our self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence. In fact, they’re wrapped around each other so closely that in order to change any one of them, we must address all. If you don’t feel worthy, your self talk won’t be supportive of you and your dreams. On the other hand, if you have high self-esteem, your self talk will likely be encouraging.

Having high self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence is the cornerstone to building the kind of life you dream of. Without them, you won’t find the courage to go after what you want or surround yourself with the people to support you and your dreams.

Here’s a tip…monitor your self-talk. Begin practicing talking to yourself as if you were your very best friend - because you are. Be supportive and non-judgmental. Observe and listen just as a best friend does. As you change your conversations, you change the way you feel about yourself.

Self-Esteem.  Exactly what is it and how do I get more of it?  Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself - your internal self-worth.  Webster’s Dictionary defines self-esteem as:

 Self:  to, for or toward oneself
 Esteem:  to set a high value; respect

Self-esteem is more than just the value and respect we have for ourselves; it’s the basis for everything we think, feel and do in our lives.  It stands to reason then that we’d want high self-esteem to live that higher quality of life.

We’re not taught self-esteem in school - we’re taught to be more like Johnny who pays attention, or Sarah who participates in class.  At home, we’re told to be more like our brother or sister.  This only implies that there’s something wrong with us.  When we’re all grown up, we associate who we are with our role in life - our job title, as a parent or as a spouse.  What do we do when the role changes and we begin to hate who we’ve become?

Building Healthy Self-Esteem

As with anything in life, building healthy self-esteem can be accomplished when you set your mind to it.  These exercises will take you from a low feeling of self-worth, to a healthy place of self-respect that only comes from knowing yourself.  A word of caution:  These powerful exercises ONLY work when you do the work.

There’s magic in writing things down.  As you move through these steps, take your time and write down everything that comes to mind.  Remember, this isn’t a race, it’s a process…

 1. Awareness.  Any change starts with awareness.  How do you feel about yourself right now?  The good, the bad, the ugly.

 2. Understanding.  Why do you feel this way about yourself?  What situations and interactions have you had with others that make you feel the way you do?  What do you say to yourself about You?

 3. Responsibility.  Accept responsibility for your life - and how you feel about it.  Blaming others will only keep you in victim mode and will NOT help you build self-esteem.  Accepting responsibility is the one thing that will catapult you in the direction you want to go.

 4. Forgiveness.  Find your way to forgiving others for doing and saying things to you that have hurt.  Most of all, forgive yourself - for your situation in life, for the way you feel about yourself, for others you have hurt.  This goes a long way in accepting yourself, warts and all, in order to move forward.

 5. Mind Your Own Business.  Let what others say about you run through your internal garbage filter.  Take in the good things and let the criticisms fall in the trash.  Do be aware of constructive feedback and adjust accordingly. You’ll recognize it when it comes from a place of caring.

 6. Decide Who You Want To Be.  We all know what we don’t want, but do you know what you want?  Who do you want to be?  What kind of person - caring, confident, approachable, a confidante?  Get very clear on what the new you looks and feels like.

 7. Love Yourself.  For many, it’s harder than it sounds.  “How can I possibly love myself when I don’t love myself?”  There’s lots to love about you.  Start by telling yourself “I love you” while looking in the mirror.  Do this every morning and every night until you begin to believe it.  This may seem silly but it’s very powerful so don’t knock it until you try it.

 8. Garbage In, Garbage Out.  Our subconscious minds are programmed with all kinds of garbage from TV, advertising and the news.  Be very aware of what you put into your head - you may be particularly susceptible to negative input right now.  To counter balance this, write out affirmations of the new you and read them every morning and every night before you go to sleep.  I am self-confident, I love myself, I walk with my head held high - you get the picture.  Speaking of picture, visualize the new you after reading your affirmations - feel how you feel having high self-esteem, meeting every situation with confidence and grace.

 9. Celebrate.  We’re very good at catching ourselves doing something wrong, and seem to forget all the things we do right.  Practice celebrating your wins, however small they may be.  Were you able to ignore negative comments today?  Celebrate it!  Success breeds success.  Every time you celebrate your successes, your subconscious says, Yeah, I want more of that!

 10. Self Talk.  What do you say to yourself when no one can hear?  That is, other than you.  When you catch yourself saying “I’m an idiot”, or “That was stupid” - STOP.  You internalize that conversation just as you do when it comes from others.  Immediately say, “Cancel That! - I am smart, I’ll do better next time.”

Does this seem like hard work?  Maybe.  What’s harder is living a life feeling less than.

“What people think of you is none of your business.”
~ Wayne Dyer

When’s the last time someone said something about you and you suddenly felt “less than” - somehow not good enough?  What if what other people say about you could just roll off your back like water off a duck?  How can you keep your self-esteem when faced with negative feedback?

A Vicious Cycle of Self-Esteem Erosion

Mary Jane is having a pretty good day.  That is, up until now.  Helen, Mary Jane’s mother-in-law just showed up unannounced - again!  She has a way of bringing her energy down and making her feel like she was the gunk at the bottom of the bottom of the barrel.  Helen has an opinion on everything Mary Jane - what she feeds the kids, how she cleans, even how she takes care of her husband.  Let’s not forget about how Mary Jane dresses.  It didn’t take long for Mary Jane to feel like the worst mother in the world, an even worse wife (to Helen’s favorite son), and wondering why she even tries. 

The constant barrage of insults had, over time, eroded Mary Jane’s self-esteem.  She started believing her mother-in-law’s opinion of her, put on weight slowly over the years, stopped taking care of herself and watched her relationships suffer.  She was proving Helen right.

Breaking the Cycle

One day I took a look at myself in the mirror - not something that I liked to do given all the weight I had put on.  I suddenly realized that this isn’t who I used to be, and most importantly, it isn’t who I want to be from now on.  I realized that Helen’s opinion is just that - her opinion.  I had taken everything she said to me as proof that I was the way she said I was.  I BECAME who she said I was.  I vowed to make what Helen said about me, none of my business and focus on what I said to myself.  That was a huge shift.  It took some work to undo the damage I had done to myself, but with the help of my very dear husband and some pretty cool friends, I built my self-esteem to the pre-Helen days!

We take what people say about us as truth, when in fact, it’s just their opinion which comes from their own beliefs and agendas.  We’re all thinking about ourselves.  Oftentimes, what people say about us (especially when negative), comes from their desire to feel better about themselves.  That’s not to say that criticism should be ignored; when it’s given in the spirit of constructive feedback it can be very helpful. 

Stop holding yourself back from your greatness.  You are good enough.  You are smart enough.  You are successful enough.  You are enough.  It’s just an opinion!